not funny

My idea was to write a funny story about my journey from skin and bones man through weight rooms to the body building stage. So far I’ve kept to my workout schedule, drank down my protein shakes and posed for pictures every month (three so far). Pretty good. But it’s not funny.

Tonight I decided to drink more protein powder. For the last month or so I’ve downed 120grams on days I work out and 60 on those I don’t. Now I’m doing 180 – daily. See what that does.

But isn’t the thought of me in a bikini brief, glistening with oils, flexing on a stage funny enough?

Mirrors

This is my routine. In the locker room, after the workout, I open my locker and take out my towel and put away the record book, wash cloth and jump-rope. I sit on the wooden bench and untie my blue diadora soccer training shoes. The shoes and then socks come off and I store them in the locker. My shirt comes off. Mirrors line the walls all the way to the bathroom. I take a look. Oo, I forgot I shaved my chest. Flex a little. Admire. I check out the side, the profile on the way to the shower. I get another look as I turn the corner, the mirrors above the sinks. Shower. I check myself out on the way to the locker. The clean clothes come on – undies and pants first, I check the mirror, nice. Then socks and shoes. Mirror. The shirt comes last.

here in the HPC

Here in the HPC, I’m daydreaming, looking out over the parking lot. I’m thinking about the sounds I hear. Thuds and metallic tinks, over and under, harder and lighter, tink. It’s the baseball team. I bet they’re doing it on purpose.

Signs in the fitness center say don’t drop the weights – if you do, you need a spotter or you’re lifting too much. I can’t remember anyone breaking that rule. Makes me feel superior to these guys. We’re a sophisticated crew, there in the fitness center. Careful to their careless.

Today, I did see a guy trying too hard, lifting too much. I actually gave him a nickname, something I don’t normally do. Ok, I do. His is Anderson Cooper. His hair was short and silver and he was middle-aged and lean. It was the quad machine. People groan loudly sometimes – I hiss. One guy does a good orgasm. Anderson Cooper here, though, roared. His body, his whole body, strained. I tried not to stare. It was like a wooden two by four about to snap. To each his own. I just assume everyone in there knows what he or she is doing – or at least know more than I. But he looked suicidal the way he did that. Like he was prying open a gator’s mouth.

Jump rope

11-9-07 (Jay’s Bday)

I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. And that’s not saying much. Actually, my last weigh-in, last Wednesday, had me at 180 pounds, which is ten pounds shy of my record, set back when I was training for soccer try outs (though I think a lot of that weight came from my legs – my memory may just lack credibility, alas). This morning I spent some time in the shower looking at my new pecs. Two lumps. To me, they’re mountains but I know to anyone else…. I started warming up this week, before I start lifting. This was Jay’s suggestion. He mentioned it to me this past weekend. He was trying to kill time on his way to a book expo – his new thing is sales. He said he does the elliptical machine for five minutes. I laugh trying to imagine that. I’ve never actually touched any of those “fake running” machines. No thanks. Can’t convince myself that they’re better than running on the ground. Though I did do the row machine, well, that’s different. Anyway, I’m jumping rope. Seems to help. My weights increased this week, except for the military press, and this is why, I think. I’m pooped at that point because I do three exercises in a row using the same muscles – the bench press, incline and military. By military I’m dying. I realized this because Wednesday I had a great military press day – because I had a comfortable bench and incline day. Today, I increased in both the bench and incline and died on the military. Therefore, I will cut out the fourth set of the bench (that was Will’s idea, we’ll see if that changes anything).

One month recap

Here’s a quick recap and a story of my first month of weightlifting.

My muscles cover my ribs now, my arms have grown, so has my back. One month. The first three weeks saw irregular protein powder use but since then I’ve regularly drank my doses. I started tracking my weights after Mario advised me to do so. My workout partner just recently called saying he could no longer commit, so I’m alone now. Finally, I took this last week off since my allergies made me sick. Oh, and Jay offered warming up for five minutes first.

Over this first month I’ve noticed the other weightlifters around me. Mostly men, some thick with muscles others lean, lift the weights while women and older men run the treadmills, elliptical machines and bikes, though women and men often break that mold. Two sights stuck with me. Will and I tried working out at noon one day. Seems that’s what a lot of other people tried that day, too. We waited for a bench to open up. A huge white man in a cut-off t-shirt lifted, well, a lot. I want to say 300 pounds, but whatever it was, it drew a small crowd. Same thing for a younger guy another day. He had maxed out the leg press.

Day three, end of week one

Week one is behind me. I started with the protein powder Wednesday, no I bought it Wednesday and took my first drink of it Thursday morning. Tried it first with milk, liked it, then at lunch tried with water. Not as good.

So, today, I drank it with milk after my run and then after my workout, both times with milk. I’m taking 30grams at a time, which I just realized is nowhere near the suggested dose. I should consume I gram for every pound I weigh. So I should boost the 60grams I now take to 180grams.

And that would help, I’m sure. I’ve been feeling week and tired and hungry. I’m surprised how quickly this change came on. I mean, I just started working out. I guess I thought I had some reserves of fuel somewhere.

We worked the same routine as Wednesday. It lasted an hour. The weights were the same, except for the pec deck. I did a 30-40-30 there. Felt good. And for my tri’s I started with 10s, jumped to 25, which was too much, then finished with 20s. I need to work on my form there. I think I was just tired today, but it was hard to focus. That was the last exercise, minus the abs. I rolled crunched on the ball. It was killer. I shook for the first set. Only got 12, holding each for 5 secs or so. Then I could only do 8 the next two sets. That should hurt tomorrow.

I learned, after I did my military with easy 10s, that I need to challenge myself each set. I have to assess myself – asking, “What weight will get me 10-12 reps and no more?” IT felt good when I applied that. I especially felt good on the pec deck. Just because I was lifting more than I thought I could.

I just brought Same to be boarded for the first time, as we’re headed off to Oxford, Mississippi for a creative nonfiction seminar with Lee Gutkind. Seems appropriate I mention that here, as I will no doubt use something I learn there as I write this memoir. I decided to drink some more protein while I was at it (dropping off Same), which amounted to 60 more grams. 120 on the day. Now I just need to eat lunch…

First day in the gym

I got a late start. It’ll take some tweaking to fit in this gym time in to my morning schedule. Came to school with a school bag, my monk bag stuffed with clothes, soap and a kitchen towel, and leftover minestrone, a pbj and an apple which with hopefully hold me over until 9 – when I get to go home. I wore my maroon Centenary soccer t-shirt, blue adidas shorts and blue diadora shoes.

I droped off the food in the fridge at the HPC and brought my monk bag to the gym. I handed over my card at the front desk, the attendant scanned it, and walked around and then asked about the locker room. Get a key over there with your card, I was told. Didn’t know which locker was mine, not a labeled key, so I went back. 100. Went up to the weights on the second floor. Looked around. Didn’t really have a plan. Chris said take it easy, get my muscles used to lifting again. I put 40 pounds on the bench, lifted it once. Took 20 off. Did three sets of 5. Felt fine. Incline was busy, so I did the sit and pull – the rowing one – not too bad. 55 pounds maybe. Did the pull down next, same weight I guess. Moved over to the incline. 10 pounds. I tried for three sets of ten but only did what I could without crossing the line. The quad lift was next to the incline so I did 3x10 of 90 pounds. Felt fine. Looked for more upper body. Back preferably. Watched a woman doing a dip machine. Did that next. 100 pounds. Then switched it to the chin up. Same weight. These were tougher. The machine I could hear rattling beneath me. I walked across the way to look at the ab stuff. I tokk advantage of a stretch caontraption for my chest. I read about using a ball for legs and core. Saw a guy using it for core and then switch to a medicine ball, side to side.

Hard core people there. Two people, as I stood around, asked if I was waiting for the machine they were using, but I wasn’t.

Shower was fine, nice enough. Next time I’ll bring a bigger towel.

Now I feel good. There’s a that high I had forgotten about. Adrenaline, even after that light workout. I foulnd myself thinking anything was possible. I can fix the scooter on the back patio. I can do the reading I need for today.